Malingering

I tip toe over broken glass with the same meticulous pace that I distance myself from a broken heart.

One and one don’t always align, and I fear the sound of shattering from a pair mismatched. Like magnets, only the opposite sides attract, but when pulled apart, a bit of myself leaves with you each time.

Under planetary bodies, rising sun and waning moon are no match for the tides that move me pensively in your direction. Were you any more poisonous, I surely still would long for just the slightest taste and suffer the lasting bitterness.

The home of your arms is lined with brambles so shallow they only pierce my skin. Alas, my buoyant heart rests at my surface to bask in the heat in your eyes – vulnerable for those thorns to pierce.

With closed eyes I meander around sharp debris, heart still aching, hoping that things will change. The scars haven’t faded, the pieces of me have not regenerated, and though in my latent pace I hope you return to me, I know that I’m shamefully malingering.

Just a Bunch of Words or Phrases in no Particular Order.

Precious silver succumbs to rust and crumbles to dust

In the palm of my hand, I remember what it used to be and I miss your touch

Life stages change over incremental ages

The awkward sprouting of a tree on the face of a mountainside

Lost and humbled, my strong façade has crumbled

I never knew that I needed you this much

Excuses and silly reasons, lies and treason

Back and forth within our own minds all of the time

I speak for myself, and for everyone else

Who has ever had drunken words occupy a sober mind

Can you empathize? Sympathize?

Anything to seem more kind?

I think of you, I dream of you

I hate you and I miss you at the same time

I wonder who really holds my heart?

The thought of being loved, I know

But the moment you embody hope

You become the one I need to hold

Nicotine and liquor make long nights go by quicker

And my patience that had run so thin can run a tad bit thicker

My weakness is my weakness for glimmering eyes and seductive smiles

And for a glimpse at a lustful gaze, I’d travel for many miles

But I won’t malinger on my pen, I’ve exhausted malformed sentences

I had no reason to write this, but I suppose if I was sober

I’d say the same thing in less words –

And also, in less honesty.

 

Lovesick Night

Like a star with its flashing white light, I hope to catch your eyes tonight

The euphoric feel and neurotic pulses will enable the both of us to take flight

Like a star in the deepest satin sky, I hope to draw your sight

I long to be that special star, the only one you see at night

Like a drop of water in the rolling ocean, there are billions of me surrounding you

Like a grain of sand on an ivory coast, there’s not one grain that you love the most

Like a beautiful swan on a still warm lake, I need your admiring gaze as mine to take

Like a porcelain dish from an antique store, cherish me and never break me; simply covet and adore

Like a thorn in a blooming rose bush, I draw blood at the slightest touch

Lend me your curious fingers, and find the soft spots that make me blush

Like a spark on a fading ember, I need to live in your memory

Like a shooting star in a milky dusk, I want to be the one to whom your secrets you entrust

The only one, the special one, I want it to have much more than lust

Like a flower in a field of weeds, I hope for you to save me

From the roots that drag me down and anchor me – I know in your embrace I’m free

I hope to be the flower than you pick and take home, and plant in only the richest of loam

I want to be the chosen, the loveliest blossom that you hold.

Like a star in the midnight sky, there’s a million of me that will catch your eye

I hope you wish on the one that’s right;

Then I’ll believe in love tonight.

Ghost in the Wall

Like a ghost in the wall, I long for your voice. I’m starving to hear your echo through the halls; to feel vibrations from miles away.

I long for the day that I can hear you say again all of the phrases and all of the words that made me shudder – that made me happy to be heard by your eager ears.

I held you dear. I miss you, dear.

And I miss your bright eyes, and your words so wise they sometimes brought me to tears in being all of the things that I have always been so afraid to hear.

But when delivered to me in your peaceful tone, even my greatest fears made me feel at home while swaddled in your arms.

The distance hasn’t made the sound fade at all even in my memory that waivers as I age….

Oh, I age, and like wine the years only make me a little bit more bitter but more or less worth my own weight in gold.

Still, I love to be your ghost. To never see you and yet to ravenously seek the bits of you you’ll never know, your many facets that you never showed;

You hid from me even in the bright lights of day.

Your voice echos over the ages, over many seasons and over many stages in which our lives play on like staged shows where no one knows what the ending will be,

Not for you, or me. Yet like a ghost in the wall, I watch you.

I yearn for your call to bring me back to life, or your silence to let me haunt you with my aching desire.

I wish to light a spark underneath your skin so intense and burning that when you touch me,

I have no choice but to breathe again – the way you did before I became the ghost in your walls.

Within an Echo Chamber

A voice so small bounces off the walls

Little whispers, honest lies, I can’t quite hear them all

Gaps in transmission and drops in modulation

All I have are garbled murmurs

Bits and phrases I have my way with

I need you to say this

You’ll never change, you haven’t lied

But I need to be whole inside

You’ll change for me. You’ll be every thing I need

If I want to feel fully alive

That’s not what you said, but it’s in my head

Your voice making me sweat and shake

I need to hear it loud and clear

It’s only for my aching heart’s sake

Be you, but be true, and be only mine

And see me through the darkest of times

When I can’t hear, you disappear

Though you repeated yourself aloud

I did not hear you say good bye

I did not want to hear you say good bye.

I haven’t learned my lesson

A rush of blood through the veins

A bolt of lightning to make the heart beat again

Hot tears simmering against eyelids

Cold drops of sweat on feverish skin…

Oh, what I would give to feel again.

I gave heartache the longest break,

A thin layer of frost coated my skin

And I placed chains on all the bits of me within

That ever longed for love.

I clipped the wings of that captured dove

Soundproofed the glass to stifle her song

I doubted I’d miss it after so long,

But now I can’t even recall the sound.

Now, I don’t miss your mischief or your mistresses

I long for steady heart-beats and only tears that accompany a smile

Hope has yet to seem worth-while,

When I remember cold and lonesome December

When ice and snow trapped me with no place to go

Your arms twice as cold, the novelty of me so old

In your fickle heart.

I do dream to the sound of my favorite song,

Of breathing normally after so long –

Inhale, exhale and carry on

With no drugs or no alcohol, just faith in love.

A rush of blood all through my face

Electric pulses resuscitate

Heat of the sun when it’s finally May

Cold chills of excitement; heart, don’t hesitate.

Oh, what I would give to love again.