Hey there, David.
I responded to that e-mail you sent me a few weeks ago, but I never heard back. I hope you’re doing alright. You asked me how I was, and I sort of ignored the question. I just want you to know that I’m alright. I do sometimes think about the days I could sit by you just to vent – you always gave such good advice, and though it may seem as if I never listened, it often takes me awhile to make sense of the things people say.
You were right about so many things, about happiness and self-love… they are things I continue to pursue, and when I feel discouraged, I remember how if all else failed you would just make me laugh. Sometimes we really do just need laughter in our lives. It doesn’t make everything better, but it’s the most effective pain-killer I’ve ever used.
I hope to hear from you soon.
It’s been awhile, David.
I hope all is well for you. I’ve been wanting to come around, but something stops me every time I come by that door. I hate to think it’s bitterness that lingers within me from some of the moments I had down in that office, but if I can’t let go, it’s better for me to just continue on with life and forget about the things that I can’t change.
I’m not very proud of the person I was, the person that people saw in me. I was impatient, angry, and never willing to admit when I was wrong. There was so little logic in some of my actions that I can only look back at myself in shame. I don’t want to walk down those halls and still be looked at as that person. What if nobody can forget the grudges they may hold, the picture of me that was engraved in their mind up until the moment that I walked away? I don’t want that ghost to live on, not within me or anyone else. That’s why I’ve sort of taken to pretending I never existed.
I remember telling you that I wished I didn’t. You never scolded me, but did explain the meaning of my words on other ears. I can’t say I don’t still feel that way sometimes, but I think it’s alright for me as long as I’m able to pick my head up and keep going.
I remember when you said that it’s normal to feel sad sometimes, how it’s only harder when people insist that you’re wrong for being upset. The fine line goes between when to be upset and when to just carry on… that line was more like fractured segments for me. I’m currently placing them on the floor, piece by piece until I can truly differentiate between reality and the one that I’ve created in my head. Logic is never wrong.
If I succeed, maybe I’ll be able to come by and joke around some day. Maybe I won’t feel an ache in my heart when I remember bad times, but I’ll remember the good things instead and smile.
Well, that’s enough for today.
I hope to hear from you soon.
You wouldn’t believe the day I had! To say it was turbulent is an understatement. I remember when you said that it’s alright to cry, or something along those lines, but when I tried, I couldn’t, and just felt very congested. What happens to those pent up butterflies in my stomach when they can’t get out? I don’t think they go away – I think they migrate to my brain and muddle my thoughts.
Life is strange.
I hope to hear from you soon.
I wonder if you’re ignoring me. It’s alright, I’m sure you’re busy, and you’re not obligated to reply. I often get upset with myself when I force my burdens on other people. Who wants to listen to a channel that only has bad news? I wouldn’t. That’s what people would refer to as ‘toxic’.
So I just stay away.
But how do I get that toxic out of my own mind? These thoughts sort of pop up to the surface of the lake, and it takes a moment for me to push them back down. But when they’re bobbing around in there, it’s only a matter of time before they float back up. I wish I could take a net, a filter of some sort, scoop it all out and toss it away. Then I could have a fresh, clean mind, something pristine and drinkable. Maybe then, people would be able to love me. As of now, how could they? I can’t even love myself.
I know, I know, these are changes I need to make on my own. I’m taking the time, I swear. I just need more time. I wish I knew how much, but as of now it seems like all eternity.
I hope to hear from you soon.
You know what, David, I think it’s been about three months since I even saw your face.
I often like to forget people, but you were always very kind and patient. That patience is insurmountable, hard for even myself to believe. How do you do it, David? You kind of shrug everything off, and it rolls off your shoulders. You’re impervious to any negativity that anyone throws your way. Were I like that, life would be so easy. Can I mold myself into something similar? You really inspire me to be better.
I’m sure you’re busy, so I’ll leave this message short. When you get some time, toss me a line.
Have a great day!
Are you also repulsed by what a mess I am? I wouldn’t blame you. I live a loveless life and it will always be that way. I often hate the thought of waking up in the morning. When I lay my head down, if I never had to get back up I’d be just fine. People always say: “Be happy you’re alive”. But a life of loneliness isn’t a life, it’s just existing. And then the questions come about – what is existing? Why do we exist? Why do I exist? Nobody can answer these questions, so I don’t expect you to. I just wish people could understand the way I feel, why I am the way I am, and maybe then they wouldn’t hate me.
I don’t want you to hate me too.
Good morning, David
I think I got a little too emotional in that last message. It’s like I said before; it’s unfair for me to put those burdens on others. I really need to get it together. I’ll just take some time away. I’ll leave you alone.
Take care of yourself.
Hey there, David!
It’s been quite awhile and you popped into my mind. I haven’t spoken to you or any of the others, but I’ve been pretty occupied.
When I was driving in to work today, I was early enough to watch the sun rise before I headed into the building. I thought to myself, that was a simple five minutes of time, but it set the day for me. There are tiny things in the world that are so beautiful, and they are gaurunteed as well. The sun will always rise, and set. But if we don’t take the time to watch it, we often forget about these little things that are so nice and that might bring us some happiness.
I had forgotten about all of the times I was able to laugh, to joke around and feel like part of a family. I had forgotten about having a shoulder to lean on whenever I needed it. Of course, there were bad times, but there were very good ones too. Had I remembered that back when I could come by and say hello, I would have done so, but I was too busy being bitter. Now I’m not sure if I’ll ever see you or anyone else in that office again.
I don’t know if I feel elated, but I have this odd feeling in my heart when I try to envision those faces – they’re blurry and distorted, but the smiles are impossible to forget. I never forget a person’s smile, it’s the most beautiful that a person will ever look when they are wearing it.
I know I talk about myself a lot, but I just want you to know I’m alright. Things aren’t easy, I don’t think they ever will be, but I know I’ll get through it. I cry sometimes, but not as often, and the panic attacks haven’t gone away for good but they are far less frequent. Those are very frightening and terrible, but I always remember that they aren’t infinite, and when they pass and I can breathe again I’m just happy it’s over. Everything goes back to normal, and I can be who I am.
I’ve stopped forcing my problems on people. It means I’ve withdrawn a bit, but I think it’s better for them. Some things look better from a distance, and I think I’m one of those things until I learn to treat people better. People also feel, bad things, and they don’t need my bad things on top of their own. I would like to be like you were to me, a shoulder to lean on. I would like people to be happy to see me, not to groan and wonder what ailment I’ll discuss today. I would like to smile at people pleasantly every morning and make sure that at least that second of their day is nice.
I try to do this constantly.
When I’m tired, I’m not as great to be around, but that’s when I sort of disappear. I quarantine the toxicity to the safeness of my home, and once it’s dissolved into the air, I can go back outside and everyone will be able to breathe.
If it’s a burden to hear from me, please let me know, but I’d love if you just had a second to say hello.
Spring is around the corner! Well, maybe a couple of months away, but that excites me already. These couple of warm days when the sun is out make me ecstatic! I do love the sun.
I’ve been meaning to tell you, if I haven’t already: people like you make the world keep spinning. The patience and sincerity that you bring is so hard to find on this earth, and so far I’ve only found a couple that I’ve been able to keep close. It makes me sad to not speak to you, but it’s alright, because I will always remember your kindness.
My friend told me that humans are social creatures, and at the time I disagreed. I very much like to be alone. But when I’m in the presence of someone who laughs a lot, I change my mind completely. When I’m around someone who isn’t enjoyable though, I’d rather just be at home. It really depends on what we need in our lives. Maybe you also needed someone to talk to, but I was too consumed in myself to listen. Now that I’m ready to listen, I don’t hear from you anymore.
I owe so many people apologies, but instead I just disappear. I hold a grudge on myself and it’s better that they eventually forget about me than fear I’ll just continue to contaminate their world.
It’s alright, I’m not sad about it. It’s a life lesson that I needed to learn. Had I gone on any longer like that, I probably wouldn’t have the will to live like I do now. I look forward to anything and everything, because an idle mind is dangerous. I think about ways that I can slowly change the world, starting with work and then some day going even further. I try to plan on being the best person, the best version of me that I can place forward. If people don’t like me, that’s alright. I like myself, and very soon I’m sure I’ll fall madly in love.
Things don’t happen overnight. Weeks, months and years… they all make up a lifetime. And for some, it takes a lifetime to fall in love. I fall in love with people who can never love me. If I can love myself, that problem will never exist again.
Anyways, that’s a bit of a long message there. I hope you have time for some heavy reading!
David, I’m so silly.
All of this time I’ve been wondering why I haven’t heard from you.
Well, I have this bad habit of sending messages and wishing I hadn’t done it. Things I write at an impulse, things that are nasty and rude. Then when the consequences roll back in, I can’t patch up the wounds that I’ve inflicted. I can’t make it all better by saying ‘sorry’. Remember when our friend told me about saying ‘sorry’ when I don’t really mean it? He was right, you know. Why would I say sorry when I’ll just do it again?
There’s a lot of people I wish to have spared from my nonsense, but you’re not one of them. These messages I’ve written you… I’ll never actually hit send.
I wanted to, but I was afraid. What if you somehow don’t have nice words to say? What if my name echoes around that office again? What will people say and think of me?
I just wanted to disappear.
So I suppose it’s asinine to take down these words you’ll never see, but I can’t regret something that I haven’t done.
It’s going to be a long road, David. Putting myself together, coming undone, taping back the pieces – I’ve laughed and had my eyes tear up when writing to you. I picture you reading these words. I wonder what you’d think, what you’d say. But if I send the message, the regret will take months to go away.
I’ll just leave things as is for now. But if you ever do want to talk, never hesitate. You know where to reach me. I’ll always be here, and I’ll always love to hear from you. And though you don’t know that you’re on my mind, maybe I’ll pop into yours one day when the stars align – then we can start from the top of these messages!
(…Just kidding. I hope I’ll be a better person by then. I want you to be proud of me when you speak to me again.)
Take care of yourself.
My dearest regards,