For years, I hid in fear of letting anybody near
But once I came out of hiding, there was nobody there.
Author: Lauren Nicole
Creative writer.
December
On a cold breeze, the leaves fly off the trees
Like scattered murderless crows who long to be alone
Who gently drift amidst the autumn mist
And float away from looming oak
To smother the ground in copper and ember
A royal carpet for Queen December
Reflections
A multi-flaceted mirror meets a single looking glass.
She drives herself crazy trying to analyze each of his reflections.
He thinks he’s seen all of her, but never peered beneath the surface.
The Red String of Fate
The sorrow that burdens your heart makes it tremble, a quake whose vibrations even I can feel. It courses through the earth with a magnitude so strong, I feel its tremors rumbling in my chest. It’s unfathomable that something as small as a fist, when broken, opens as wide as a rift in the ocean.
But know that this love you feel is not only pain, as love is what allows me to share it while the earth shifts violently beneath our feet. Know that love is not a heavy iron chain, but a thin thread that can span miles unravelled. With this thread, follow with unwavering steps your aching heart. Only she knows how far away the other end is tied in a safe knot, impervious to any sharp edge.
Beware the whispers of fear in your mind of the trepidation in seeking it out. Bate your breath and only listen for the truth, whispered in a timid secret on a cold bit of wind. The chill that dances over your spine at its carress – that is a truth made only for you. Do you feel it? If yes, don’t turn back lest you be turned to stone. Don’t chase it, or it may run from you.
With your eyes, and with your weary feet, slowly follow that thread of fate. Lay your lies in the dust of what’s dead and desolate. Love, not because it will not hurt you, but because it’s what makes you who you are.
I Believe
More than any other color, I believe in blue
The widest outstretched arms I’ve ever seen above and below the moon
In bright pastel or tempest grey, she always builds a day anew
With hope of sun or fear of pouring rain, my prayers may still come true
If I were to pick a religion, I believe it would be you
You, the watcher who hides away and watches from a brighter view
The invisible smile of a stranger that I picture in my dreams
I ponder on how you’ll never know how much your unseen smile means to me
More than any time, I believe in midnight
The one second on the clock that an erroneous day is blown away
A flitter of hope in a shivering heart beat leaps awake
Ready to make right this fresh new day
Yes, I believe in this the way I believe in virgin snow
That quietly covers our footsteps and holds our secret close
She wistfully shifts around our frozen trails
And slows the time just enough for us to observe the small details
I suppose it’s hard to not believe in God;
Who else can I find to blame the hardships of life on?
Or where do my prayers go after they fall as weary tears?
What idol can I rely on to placate all of my fears?
But no one can reply to all of the questions, all of the demands
They fall back into the frail fingers of my tired hands
So I believe in magic, the magic that makes up time
Who meticulously grooms the sea and the sky
Patiently healing wounds and removing the iron ball and chain
So the hope in my heart can finally fly.
Messages You Will Never Read
I’m only sometimes sober when I write you messages you’ll never read;
Silly thoughts and forbidden words that bring me solace you’ll never see
I hide away from terrifying truths for fear of what you’ll think of me
I lie to you, and to myself too – the truth is such an ugly thing
I wear a mask of several layers, just in case you can see through
I wander round earth’s many corners just to stay away from you
And still I circumnavigate the globe to watch you from afar
I’ve known you only in concept; I have no idea who you are
Like religion, I see you only how I would need you to be
But you’re more of a demon than an angel in reality
But that doesn’t discourage me from heathen thoughts or sorcery
I’m closer to hell than heaven, and all you’ve done is encourage me
But not enough, not quite enough to send these messages you’ll never read.
Malingering
I tip toe over broken glass with the same meticulous pace that I distance myself from a broken heart.
One and one don’t always align, and I fear the sound of shattering from a pair mismatched. Like magnets, only the opposite sides attract, but when pulled apart, a bit of myself leaves with you each time.
Under planetary bodies, rising sun and waning moon are no match for the tides that move me pensively in your direction. Were you any more poisonous, I surely still would long for just the slightest taste and suffer the lasting bitterness.
The home of your arms is lined with brambles so shallow they only pierce my skin. Alas, my buoyant heart rests at my surface to bask in the heat in your eyes – vulnerable for those thorns to pierce.
With closed eyes I meander around sharp debris, heart still aching, hoping that things will change. The scars haven’t faded, the pieces of me have not regenerated, and though in my latent pace I hope you return to me, I know that I’m shamefully malingering.
Repetition
A young and silly child, my mother asked me to wash the dishes
I stood on the ladder and scrubbed them clean, toweled them dry and placed them away
She ran her finger along the brim of a glass, her eagle eyes not dismissive
Without sparing me a glance she said “Do it again. Do again until you get it right.”
I traced my letters carefully and tried to get them in the lines
But I was always rather clumsy, I could never get my words upright
My father was there with his critical stare as he couldn’t make out the words
So he said ‘Do it again. Do it again until you get it right.”
When I got older, I began to run – from many things, if I’m honest
And I was somewhat fast, a bit impressive if I refrain from being modest
But my coach would never cheer when he watched me dive through the finish line
He’d just say “Do it again. Do it again until you get it right.”
I never was one to strive for perfection, I truly appreciated the arts
I painted, I wrote and I loved to sketch – the passion burned brightly in my heart
I’d stay up for hours, for days even, painting in low light
Until the instructor critiqued me, said to “Do it again. Do it again until you get it right”.
When I was somewhere between a girl and a woman,
I somehow found my way on the fight for freedom
In combat boots and camouflage, I had never felt quite so lost
A man with a red ribbon across his chest watched me doing push ups all night
I always found myself crying on the floor after pushing with all of my might
And every day, he’d seek me out and make sure he saw my eyes filled with fright
And every day he’d tell me to “Do it again. Do it again until you get it right.”
Years later, I found myself working a job, a standard nine-to-five
I never imagined I’d be in an office filling out invoices in my life
But I was awful with numbers, and someone’s paycheck wouldn’t be quite right
Until my manager told me to “Do it again. Do it again until you get it right.”
It wasn’t the place for me, and I meandered from place to place
But there was one thing that I could never escape
No matter where I went, I would make a mistake
And I’d be forced to correct it no matter how late
Yes, I hid away and I ran from my flaws
I avoided the mirror, I ignored the missed calls
How could I live in a world where I’m so imperfect?
Who could possibly accept me when I constantly fall?
But although people lie, mirrors don’t, and I can’t deny my face
I’m only human, and I’m not one of the few who keep a constant pace
I face my worst foe, my critical reflection and how she glowers in the light
And I don’t flinch the slightest bit when she says “Do it again until you get it right”.
Just a Bunch of Words or Phrases in no Particular Order.
Precious silver succumbs to rust and crumbles to dust
In the palm of my hand, I remember what it used to be and I miss your touch
Life stages change over incremental ages
The awkward sprouting of a tree on the face of a mountainside
Lost and humbled, my strong façade has crumbled
I never knew that I needed you this much
Excuses and silly reasons, lies and treason
Back and forth within our own minds all of the time
I speak for myself, and for everyone else
Who has ever had drunken words occupy a sober mind
Can you empathize? Sympathize?
Anything to seem more kind?
I think of you, I dream of you
I hate you and I miss you at the same time
I wonder who really holds my heart?
The thought of being loved, I know
But the moment you embody hope
You become the one I need to hold
Nicotine and liquor make long nights go by quicker
And my patience that had run so thin can run a tad bit thicker
My weakness is my weakness for glimmering eyes and seductive smiles
And for a glimpse at a lustful gaze, I’d travel for many miles
But I won’t malinger on my pen, I’ve exhausted malformed sentences
I had no reason to write this, but I suppose if I was sober
I’d say the same thing in less words –
And also, in less honesty.
My Best Dress
Is jet black, velvet and to the floor
Your eyes ache for a little more
My silhouette saves you from a bore
My neck and hem decorated with lace
For one like you who loves a chase
But your eyes are drawn right to my face
My eyes, my smirk, my mocking
Only exacerbate your craze
It was no mistake.
